I love a good sandwich (being a pescatarian, a favourite is the bagel and lox from my local bagel shop).
But not all sandwiches improve change. (I’m referring to the feedback sandwich.)
According to a 2018 study, the feedback sandwich (nice thing, nasty thing, nice thing) is well received by the person getting feedback, but doesn’t necessarily lead to a change in behaviour. (However, this approach is still better than no feedback at all.)
I like to take a similar (possibly better) approach. I call it: soft-hard-soft.
It works in three moves:
1. Set it up (soft).
Before saying the hard thing, you warn them it's coming so you can hand them an exit. Something like …
"Can I put something on the table? It might be a little provocative, and I could have it completely wrong." |
Or
"I'm going to throw something out there. It's just my best guess, but I think it might be useful." |
This primes them (the first lesson of great coaching), so the hard thing doesn't come out of the blue and they're not braced for a blow. They're curious.
2. Say it (hard).
This is where you share your insight, observation, or the challenge. There's a whole craft to how you say hard things (which we go into further detail on inside Bring Out Their Best), but the heart of it is to hold it lightly.
You're not handing down a verdict … you're simply putting something out there for them to decide what to do with.
3. Give it back (soft).
After you’ve shared your truth, you can finish it off with:
"How's that landing? What's useful in that, if anything at all?" |
That "if anything at all" is the part that reassures them that they can take it or leave it.
It lets them know they can walk away without feeling forced or needing to get defensive.
And what’s great about soft-hard-soft is that people are far more likely to take something in once they know they're allowed to leave it.
In the 10th Anniversary edition of The Coaching Habit, I write about a paradox I call Fierce Love.
It’s centred around the idea that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is show up and say the hard thing.
Soft-hard-soft is how you find the courage to be fierce and stay kind.
Inside Bring Out Their Best, we explore this paradox (and three others) in greater depth.
It’s four weeks of live teaching with me (every Tuesday and Thursday) where we look at the mechanics that live under the presence.
You’ll get more tools for the moments where tension is high, and all you want to do is fix … and you’ll also get to practice these tools so that you feel ready and confident any time a coaching opportunity is in front of you.
Doors close September 18th because we kick things off on September 25th.
→ Join Bring Out Their Best
I hope you’ll join us.
You're awesome and you're doing great,
Michael Bungay Stanier